paralysis

Sometimes paralysis can keep us from that which we want most:

Have you ever felt that you wanted to tell someone that in your eyes, she was the most beautiful person you'd ever seen, but kept silent because you were afraid of a potentially negative reaction?

Have you ever felt like you don't deserve to be happy? Or that it was too much of a risk to lay your heart out there?

Have you ever felt your heart break for someone who you knew was lonely, knowing that your touch or your words wouldn't help them, so you hold your peace?

Have you ever been afraid to tell someone you love them?

Have you ever felt the aching sting of loneliness, made all the more poignant because you know that the cure to your loneliness lies just out of your reach, suffering from the same pain?

Have you ever felt like you would always be alone?

Have you ever wondered if you would get the chance to have someone you love in your arms one more time?

Have you ever worried every time you kiss someone that it would be the last time?

Have you ever felt like you try to hard to hold a relationship together, only to end up pushing the other person away?

Have you ever felt like you are standing in the way of your own happiness?

If you've ever felt this way, I wish I could help you, I'm still trying to help myself with this one.

Like a Boss

It's crazy how when your foot gets in the door, that doors just start flying open all over the place. You keep finding new opportunities and blessings around every corner. I guess what I'm trying to say is that don't ever give up. You have the power within yourself to affect your environment positively or negatively. If you finally get up off your ass and get to work, then opportunities will start falling like rain. It's crazy. I was so stagnant a month ago, but I guess that I was only sitting in the eye of the storm. I mean, it's not like I just blew up or anything, but I'm seeing a ton of opportunities, and I finally have a job with some potential for upward mobility. The sky is the limit at present, and it's really hard for me to not be optimistic about my future. It's the first time in a few years that I've actually been able to say that. I'm really grateful for everyone who's been here for me when I wasn't myself, when I was down and out and when I was stagnant. Special thanks to those who reminded me that the key in life lies within you. No one else can get you out of your funk. And a particular thanks to a dear friend of mine who's words served as the lightning to get my pilot light going again. Once it was lit, it took a few months for it to get going again, but it's burning just as bright as ever. Because of that, I'm seeing a shift back to the attitude that I had when I was nineteen and the world was wide open. It's amazing. To the people who say that I have to be happy with what I got, I have to quote Tony Montana: "You be happy, me, I want what's coming to me... The world, chico, and everything in it." I'm riding high, my vision is clear, I can see nothing but bright eyes and clear skies in front of me. I can only go higher, and I ain't ever coming back down.

Be a baller

I'm a baller. It goes to more than the fact that I like to play ball, watch ball, etc. Whatever. It's an attitude you have to have in order to keep facing forward in this world. You only have a 5% chance to make it into the program you want to get into, or that you don't have a chance to be with the person you want to be with. It doesn't matter, you have to have to have the attitude that you can do it. If someone tells you that you can't do something, you have to be able to look them in the eyes and say, "Fuck you, I can do whatever I put my mind to, I'm a baller."

Maybe that's a silly way to put it, but it's true. There has to be a moment where you say, fuck it, I'm going balls out (actually a phrase from steam engines, not vulgar) and I'm going to succeed against all odds. No matter what, or who, the obstacle, I'm going to make it. I don't exactly know what making it means, all I know is that it's something that was definitely missing from my attitude before. You have to own it, be a man, and put your name on it. To quote one of my heroes, the quintessential, prototypical baller, Deion Sanders: "I built this place, and this is my house!"

No matter where you are, when you are, you should be able to own what you do. Don't let anyone or anything stand in the way of what you want to be, what you want to do. I used to be able to slice through a defense like butter, and fly down a track like a bat out of hell. There's no reason I can't be in that kind of shape again, or attack my work and my future with the same kind of tenacity that I used to carry a ball with. It's a matter of perspective. The true measurement is what's inside. So, whether it's on the ball field or in the board room, be a baller.

Catharsis

So, I had a moment of true catharsis today. I talked to someone who had hurt me in my past. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't be angry. I don't know if that's some fault of mine, that outside of the moment I can't nurse anger or hate. The more I think, the more I try and put myself in the other person's position, and the more that I end up forgiving that person, no matter the seriousness of the offense. Some might say that I'm weak because of this, but I think it takes true strength to swallow your pride. A lot of times pride makes you do things to balance the scales and you only end up hurting yourself.

When you purge yourself of anger and hatred, you end up with more empathy and understanding. It doesn't serve to try and make someone feel worse for something if they already feel horribly about it. At that point, any additional bad feelings you try and give them will just push the balance over into the red. Turning the other cheek really does help you to be able to get over something. Turns out that Jesus was on to something. If you don't continue to hurt others, then you break the cycle. Throughout the world, we see the problems that happen when people follow the doctrine of an eye for an eye. So, the next time that you feel someone has wronged you, instead of seeking to wrong them, try to forgive them, and embrace them. It breaks the cycle. Just try it, and see how good it feels.

I hate being sick

Creeping, sluggish, detestable phlegm. Damn it! Get out of my lungs. I always hate being sick, because I never feel like I remember what not sick felt like. Never a good thing. I'm not a fan. Hopefully it goes away by Saturday. :(. On a side note, work is good. And I have a rendezvous with a particularly cute/fun friend of mine on Saturday night. :).

Back to the Professional World

I'm heading back to the professional world. Now all I need is a girlfriend. I wonder if, now that I have a job there will be any takers? Haha we shall see. I guess now I'm back on the market.

broken pieces

A man once collected damaged porcelain dolls, they could have been cracked, missing paint, missing small pieces, or even missing limbs, but the man collected them just the same. He placed the small, damaged pieces on his shelf in his bedroom. It didn't matter to him where he found it. He could have been walking along the road and seen one missing a right arm on the sidewalk. He could have been in the woods on a trail, and found another piece with a cracked face. What was important was that the damage to each figurine made it more precious in the eyes of the man. He would cradle each piece like it was made of gold, and then he would take them home and reverently place them on the shelves.

It doesn't matter how damaged we are. Everyone is special. I've never been with anyone that couldn't be described as damaged in one way or another. That's because we're all damaged. We all have cracks, some of us are even missing pretty big pieces. What's important is to realize that despite the cracks, despite the missing paint, or missing limbs, that without those details we wouldn't be who we are. Don't expect someone to be perfect, don't be upset because the person you love may be broken. They'll love you all the more for loving them, cracks and all.