I'm bored

You ever feel like you should be into someone? Like they're really awesome, and yet you're not particularly interested? I feel that way all the time. I'm kind of apathetic when it comes to going for the knockouts. Even though I shouldn't be. Weird shit, isn't it? It's like when you try and get a treasure, only to realize it's just a shiny hunk of metal and you can't really do anything with it. Or the girls who spend their whole life wishing for a diamond, when in the end it's just a clear shiny hunk of rock that's basically not even as good for anything as glass. I wonder why things that are so useless in society are so valued, beyond any intrinsic value or practical use they may have. This is not a knock on pretty girls, I love you, I just don't feel inclined to toss money after you. This is more just a reflection on how treasures soon lose their luster once possessed, and that my desire for you is fading like that of a possessed treasure, and I haven't even possessed you yet. That's really interesting. We place value on things that are worthless.

so, I really wanted to post this video, and I figure I'm just using this poem as an excuse to do it. I wrote this about a special friend who helped me find my way again, before I lost it again recently. But yeah, I think it is pretty good going with this, and yes, I think CGI videos of flaming dragons totally kick ass.




When first we met, we talked of storms,
And fire, the fire within,
How mine was gone, and puttered out,
Leaving my heart cold and dead;
We also talked of how a storm,
Can light the fire, kindle it inside,
But you told me you weren’t my storm,
But you also taught me to try again,
And fight again, to love myself and others once again,
Once again, because you were my friend,
And you weren’t afraid to love me,
Just for whom I am inside,
This innocent affection lit a spark,
And fun and smiles and laughter made it flame,
It burned brighter in me every day, and lifted me from the gloom;
The god in your smile made me see the god in me, reflected in your eyes,
You reminded me how to enjoy my life and reach for my goals,
Your ambition woke a kindred spirit locked deep inside within a frozen prison,
Made me resolve to follow after dreams,
Dreams that I had given up for dead,
You changed my life for good in many ways,
In the end you were wrong, my friend, you always were my storm,
And now I’m burning bright again.

What's wrong with me?

You ever look back at some people you liked and wonder what in the hell you liked about them that way? I do all the time, but then again that might just be because I can't possibly look back and see what I found attractive about anyone that I've been attracted to the last year. I've had some really good friendships come out of this year, but having recently seen both of the people that I had been really into, I'm finding myself hard pressed to figure out why. I mean, they are both really cute girls, it's just that I feel absolutely no spark or attraction to them now, so it just makes me wonder how that possibly could have been there, or maybe it wasn't, or maybe I'm a sociopath? I do like to push people away, it's actually something I don't think I can not do. But what ever. I am how I am and who I am. Everyone else will just have to deal, I make no apologies for myself.

Morning After

So I went to a party last night for my friend Ashley, she's pretty awesome, but just like me, is having trouble trying to find where she fits in this big old jigsaw puzzle of a world we inhabit. Sometimes you just have to follow where the wind takes you, and while it may not seem like you're going in the right direction, you're actually going where you've always been supposed to go. Life is funny, ain't it?



George RR Martin is about to finish a Dance With Dragons, it's about fucking time. And you heard it here first, Jon Snow is Rhaegar Targaryen and Leanna Stark's child. Well, you probably didn't hear it here first if you've ever read the books, but just for the record. I can't wait to read this book. If you don't know what it is, check out this clip and see for yourself.




Yeah, good shit huh?

Also, BYU better win the New Mexico bowl today. What a disgrace. Who goes to the New Mexico Bowl? There should be some serious coaching turnover because this whole season has been a clusterfuck.

Lord, I hope we aren't stupid enough to listen to Sarah Palin

I recently saw a facebook post from a friend saying that they were attending a Sarah Palin book signing? Really? You seem like an intelligent person, how in the world is the inanity that this woman spews actually penetrating your psyche and making you think that she has something worthwhile to say and a good idea of how to run the country? I mean, hell she ended up catfighting with the former first lady, for heaven's sake. I'm actually kind of hoping she gets the nomination, because she'd be handily defeated by the sitting president. But if she ever did end up as president, it would most definitely be the beginning of the end.

For everyone who hasn't done any research and thinks that Palin could do a better job running the country than President Obama, the stock market has increased 40% since he was elected and jobless numbers are on the decline now. Also, if that's not enough for you, spend some time here: http://whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com/

What's wrong with people?

So, lately, and in general, I have a lot of awesome female friends who were married and are now divorced. In most of the cases, it's because the guy was either abusive, neglectful, had an addiction to pornography, or a combination of the three. What in the world is wrong with these idiots? And how are they able to fool some of the smartest and most amazing women that I know into marrying them? Maybe they changed, or maybe the seeds were already planted, I have no way of knowing, but I just wanted to say that everybody plays the fool, and my friends shouldn't feel foolish or like it was their fault for getting into this kind of situation. This kind of thing happens to everyone where you get into an unhealthy relationship, it can happen no matter how smart you are, no matter how wise you are, and no matter how good of a person you are. This goes to my guy friends who had to suffer as well, I'm not just bagging on you guys. Seems like a lot of people are getting married to people who don't appreciate what they are worth. Maybe it's because as a church we try and encourage people to get married young so as to avoid sexual immorality. In my mind, I think that rushing into something that should be thoughtfully planned out and ending up in a bad marriage that causes all kinds of psychological and sometimes physical damage to both parties could be worse than letting it slip once or twice (no pun intended). Just a thought. But remember, just like a pair of vintage jeans is prized by clothing collectors (yeah, I went there) for the fading and fraying, so we are more complete and beautiful people for the challenges we have to go through.

Left with more questions than answers.

I just realized today, that I probably shouldn't look at pictures of my friends and their young families anymore. Its weird looking at people my age, slightly older and younger, holding little bouncing babies on their laps. Maybe it's just part of the religion under which I was raised, but I really feel that parenthood is the ultimate reason that we exist. Biologically, as well, for those of you for whom religion isn't a valid worldview. We exist, solely, to pass on our genetic markers to the next generation. Evolutionarily speaking, anyone who doesn't do this is a failure. That's very cut and dried, and not intended as an insult to those of us who either choose not to or cannot pass on our genes. It's just my way of establishing that there is a deep primal drive within our DNA to have children, as well as the conditioning of belief and religion on top of that. This makes one of the few cases in which belief and biology are not at odds. That's some pretty powerful stuff to try to overcome if you want to stay living the bachelor's life forever, which, if anyone has ever read my blog, they know is not my ultimate goal, just one that I've resigned myself to at this point. I think I need to take a longer break.
I'm really sick of people saying, "We should just be friends." Before they even get a chance to know me. Hey, if there wasn't any interest, just don't give me your number, don't decide that before even really going on a date after you give it to me. I have a pretty thick skin, but if you hear shit like that enough, it definitely hurts. So, this is frustration of the accumulation of pinpricks, not one giant wound. Maybe that's why I'm more crotchety lately, but yeah, if I approach you as wanting to see if things can work, do me a favor and don't be my friend if they don't. I have plenty of friends already.
So, yeah, I'm a little bitter and a little angry, I'm kinda sick of seeing happy photos of smiling one and two year olds. Yeah, I am happy for you, but I'm definitely taking shots from all sides here, wondering what the fuck is so wrong with me that I can't ever have what other people have. It's not for lack of trying, I just can't really seem to find anyone who catches my interest enough that I want to seriously date them, or the shit falls apart before I even get a chance to formulate an opinion. But that's neither here nor there, and being bitter doesn't help anything. I still need to figure out more about myself before I'm ready for any of that. It's funny, i'm closer to 26 than to 25 now, which means I'm closer to 30 than 20, and if anything, life has more questions than answers for me now than it did when I was 20. I graduated almost four years ago, and I'm just barely finding something that I want to do that I can make money at. I laugh when people say you'll understand someday, because the proliferation of confusion definitely means that someday doesn't ever come.