disharmony

Why is it that music affects us more deeply than the written or spoken word? I'm a writer, yet I feel that my words on a page affect someone far less than the resonating tone of a note. Music speaks to the centers of our souls in a way that words never can. Whether it's song, or instrumentals, music is the way that our souls talk. That's interesting, since, sound is simply vibration. Maybe the essence of our intelligence isn't something physical, or something intangible. Maybe it's a wave, a vibration that's tangible to others around us. Maybe we meet others whose waves vibrate in the same frequency as ours and thus we make connections. The music in our souls has found harmonious notes with which to be associated in a symphony of life. Maybe love works the same way. We meet people who vibrate on our same frequency, and then we meet people who we can be with. That would go a great way towards explaining why I haven't been able to find someone. Maybe my music is off key, out of tune, somehow in disharmony. Maybe, when I bring it in contact with the music of another, it creates discord instead of harmony, the notes shrieking like an out of tune violin in the hands of an inexperienced player. I haven't been able to find anyone who's song is affected by mine like I'm affected by theirs. If we're here to find love, then my song is doing a lousy job of finding instruments to harmonize with. This leads me to believe that the vibrations within us that proclaim our comrades are different than the ones which proclaim us to our lovers. Friends I seem to have no shortage of, yet, when it comes to love, the deep, resonating, passionate, and powerful love of which poets (ironically since I am one) write of, I've experienced this feeling reciprocated only one time; this one time, it rang out as clearly as the resonant chords of Beethoven's 9th Symphony, but came crashing to a halt during the refrain. Ever since then, I have been weaving a song of discord, unable to come into harmony with someone, those to which I desire to attune my song have no ear for the notes in my soul. I've been trying to perfect my own song, but this seems to reinforce the notion that my music may be deeply, fundamentally damaged beyond repair. The notes so twisted and jumbled that I'll never be able to find another piece to match with, no matter how hard I search, or how much I try to change the song. My song will always be out of tune. And because of that, it will never be part of a harmony.

Every time that I hear the song, Suteki Da Ne, I'm reminded of a love that will never happen, one that never was. I think it's silly that this is the case for a song to which I don't even know the words, but it's true. That song, to me, rings of real love. I'm forever cursed to sit and wonder what would have happened if I'd been brave enough to open my mouth and say how I felt. Could I have found the harmony, or is the fact that I'm too afraid to let this happen to myself again keeping me from ever being able to risk enough to find my song? Maybe someday I'll be willing to go out into the storm and brave the lightning. The lightning flashing in the smokestack, the winds of change and the capriciousness of fate. Is it fate, or do I make my own fate? Do I take it in my hands and create the love, the harmony that I'm so afraid of losing that I won't even look for it? Does it even work that way? I've always heard that it finds us when we don't look for it. If that's the case, then I wonder what happens to those of us that within are so desperately lonely that we try to talk ourselves into thinking that we're better off that way. We make the excuse that our loneliness is the human condition at its most simplistic level. When in actuality, only in individual accountability are we meant to be alone. Maybe that's why it feels so right when you hold a girl in your arms, even if it's only a friend. It's a finger in the dike that's holding back the sea of despair. Maybe that's why I love hugs. They just keep me going until i can find someone to fill that hole and keep the sea out for good. But nothing in this world is ever for keeps. There are no happy endings. The achievement of one goal simply reveals another behind it. Is this endless chase something that we really want? Is there ever a time when we can rest, or is there no rest until our eyes close and never open again? No true peace. Sorry, I got off track, but I thought it was interesting.