special

So, I haven't had a post in a while, and that's a shame. I should really write more of my thoughts down. I've recently been dating someone who's become very special to me. I care very deeply for her and I find that the thought of losing her terrifies me. Which, in and of itself, is terrifying. I think the moment that you realize that you care more about someone else than your self makes you very vulnerable. That vulnerability is an anathema to me. I'm not used to it. I'm used to sharing my feelings, but I am not used to my happiness depending so fully on someone else being happy. It's a very strange feeling.

Why I'm Bad at Relationships

I realized recently, that I am not good at dating. I'm good at flirting, and sealing the deal and what not. But I'm bad at being a boyfriend, or even knowing how to go about becoming a boyfriend. Habits go with you. When you tailor your approach and your techniques for dating to only last a couple weeks, when you meet a girl you actually want to date, these methods can be particularly overwhelming. Slow is the key. Yeah, I've kissed every girl I've really liked on the first date, but then again, has that gotten me anywhere I wanted with those girls? At the moment it did, but I sit here today with no girls to steal my hoodies back from. So, I think it's safe to say, that maybe some coaching on how to get past 5 dates would be a good thing. Because I'm pretty sure, it's fast enough that any girl who'd want to stay with me after the intensity of my approach clearly has issues.

Black History

So, I almost meant to do this post yesterday, but I figured that by doing it today I could protest against feeling like there's only one month where we can focus on black history. We shouldn't have to take a particular month to focus on the history of any particular ethnicity. I should be able to learn about George Washington Carver, and other great African American pioneers in history class, rather than at a diorama at the Festival Sundiata, which is actually being held in June this year. And for all of you who feel that we should have a White History Month and a White Entertainment Television, just go to a history class, or turn on CBS.

Freedom

So, there's a series of revolutions going around in the Arab world at the moment. It's rather exciting. It means that we don't have to go into every Arab nation to bring them "American Democracy" in the Middle East. Given the proper catalyst, they can do it themselves. We no longer need to make enemies by "policing" the world. and that's a good thing.

Girls, Football, and a Little Politics

So, first off, it's been a while since I decided to put my feelings on the internet for everyone to read, that's the danger of blogging. You use it like a journal, but it isn't a journal. Everyone can read it. So, I'd like to apologize to a certain person who I'd been blogging my feelings about so I didn't actually say them and possibly freak her out, which, if she read my blog, I probably succeeded in doing, given that we hadn't known each other long at the time. But that's neither here nor there, she's a really cool, awesome person, regardless. But timing really is everything, and you can't be so excited to meet someone that you end up pushing things rather than letting them take their natural course. Things will always work themselves out in the end.

I think that my main problem when it comes to dating is that I haven't really had a lot of relationships that lasted longer than a few weeks. I have had a couple, but the vast majority of my interactions with girls have been whirlwinds of fun and passion, with little real substance, so the fact that I actually met someone who had real substance and I thought could have really gone somewhere freaked me out and I probably thought that I was going to end up blowing the damn thing anyhow, which I think I did, at least in part, even if she wasn't ready for what I felt like I was ready for. However, my reaction and nervousness clearly showed that I wasn't ready either. There's a lot of things I have to work on, patience being paramount among those things, also curbing my excitement and not building things up in my head to the point where I can't act on them intelligently. It's interesting to run into people that you dated, however briefly. It always makes you think, what if? What if I hadn't been thinking about so and so instead of actually giving you some attention when you were there for me; or what if I hadn't thought my way out of a potentially great relationship. It makes it especially difficult when you can detect a hint of their feelings simmering beneath the surface. Because those feelings never really go away. I can attest to that. No matter how angry I may be at some of the women I've dated in the past, any that I really cared about I still care about on some level. When I pray for my friends to have happiness in life, I know that a piece of that prayer is for them. So that's good I think. It also speaks to the infinite capacity of the human heart to love. It's not like everyone you love in some way diminishes your capacity to love in the future. But, sadly, it's like a stone-etched record, some feelings never really go away. You just have to cope with them. In some cases that can lead to depression, and other things. I find when I'm feeling down about a girl, the best thing I can do is to work out, it helps me feel better, and it keeps me from drinking, which I felt like doing a LOT this past month. Which shows me what a silly ass I've become. But I guess that wouldn't make me the only silly ass in the world if I climbed inside the bottle over a girl. But I might be the only one who had done it over a girl they dated for three weeks. But that was one damn awesome girl, let me tell you. She's got a pretty bright future, not to mention the prettiest eyes I've ever seen in my life. I hope I meet someone with eyes like that again in the future.

So, anyway, enough about my lamentations for love lost or never had. Let's talk about the impending lockout of the NFL players on March 4th of this year. At least it isn't March 15th. The Ides of March would be a foreboding date indeed for the assassination of the 2011 season of our beloved NFL. Honestly, I feel that the owners are being incredibly hypocritical in their advocation of an 18 game season while at the same time imposing fines for big hits that may cause head trauma. Technically it's the same number of games, because you'd be eliminating two pre-season games, but honestly it would dilute the records and everyone knows that you play harder in the regular season than the pre-season. People are going to get hurt. We have enough former football players suffering from pugilistic dementia at present. I feel that the union needs to get better benefits for former players in retirement as well. I'm very alarmed by the numbers of former defensive linemen dying in their 40s. It's more often from complications from head injuries than from heart conditions. The meetings between the players and the owners should take care of this at the very least.

And lastly, a little bit of politics. I'm going to sound off on the efforts of the Wisconsin and Ohio governors to kill unions. As a strong advocate of unions and workers rights, I feel that this is a horrible idea. These republican politicians represent the interests of the big businesses who contribute to their campaigns. Who's the enemy of big business exploiting their work force? Teamsters unions and other labor groups. Unless workers have the right to unionize, there is no way that a round of future budget cuts won't leave people out in the cold. It's all ethics, something that I feel the GOP has very little of these days. I'm not even going to touch on the stupid things that Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann say every day. Anyway, that's all for today, I'll try to update again more frequently. Ciao.

i miss football

i miss football a lot. i'll talk more about my feelings with the labor situation soon.

memories

I should bury how I feel right now and only remember the smiles. :).

hmph

I wonder if anything will ever change.

Sunday

No Hawks this Sunday, so go Packers. College ball is over, so I guess that Sunday is back to being my favorite day of the week, for a few more weeks. I wish that there was a little more on the menu for today, but rest is probably a good thing.

Love is like a game

And not the game that you're thinking. I think that it's kind of like a sports game. It's fun, exhilarating, and sometimes the opposition can do things that make you crazy and leave you scrambling to find your bearings. You sometimes win, and sometimes you lose, but, regardless, at the end, you always feel better having experienced it than having not. As few as a couple weeks ago I was on cloud nine, super excited about having met someone new, and now, not knowing if that's going anywhere or even if I'll talk to the girl again, I'm not mad, and I don't feel like I wasted my time. I have had three of the most fun dates of my life with this girl, and meeting her has helped me to overcome some of the toughest trials that I've had in my life so far, and honestly, dating her, even if it turns out to have only been for two and a half weeks, did more for me than the last two years.

So, to her, I say thank you, for saying yes, and for sharing what you shared with me. I know you're not going to read this, but I feel like I was a little too excited, but you were worth being that excited over. I wish you nothing but the best. It's really nice to meet people who end up showing you what you can be if you try hard enough. I owed it to myself to try to be as good as you were. I hope that you never lose your drive and that you never settle for anything less than you deserve. I hope we stay in touch, but God's will and all that.

So, I have no regrets, this is going to be a great year. Looking forward, my heart is full.

new idea

I think too much, I think it's painfully obvious when the subject of my thinking too much told me not to think so much. I end up second guessing myself and my reactions are calculated, rather than natural. That's never a good thing. So, here's a pledge to be more natural and not so methodical to the point of detriment.

overthinking

perhaps i spoke too soon, but I need to turn my brain off. it's my greatest enemy, after all. we shall see.

Missing

You ever just wake up and miss someone because you dreamed about hanging out with them that night? I hate dreams, because they aren't really controllable, and they reflect some of your innermost desires. So, I think I'm okay in saying that it stinks when you dream of holding someone in your arms only to wake up, groggy and confused, to being alone. It's interesting to me, I can't believe how quickly that someone can come into your heart in an unguarded moment. IF you don't keep it shut at all times, then someone that you're least expecting can just walk into your heart and walk out with it. And half the time, you don't even know that it's happened. All you know is that for some reason, you don't have a problem doing things for that person, and that you always want to spend time with them. When you're not with them, it's like colors just aren't as bright, and the food just doesn't taste quite so good. Which is a silly old cliche, but I think that there is a reason that certain statements become cliche, and that is their ubiquitous application. I mean, you always roll your eyes at cliche statements, but if you really think about it, there is a pretty big chance that said statement would apply to your life at one point or another. That's a scary thought, that maybe we're living a comedy of cliches in our lives. So, in respect to those of you who sneer at cliches, I will leave you with my favorite line from Remember the Titans, "When something unexpected comes to you, you just have to pick it up and run with it." And maybe, this time, I'm running to the end zone.

Deuces

So, I think I'm finally ready to chuck the deuces to the memory of failed expectations and broken hearts and move on. I think I'm finally ready to just go naturally and see where life takes me. If it takes me to a person that I can share my life with, then I'll let it.

So that's my thought for today. That and that I'm happy that the Hawks are the first 7-9 division champion in league history. That's pretty good. If we win Saturday, coupled with a successful trip to the batting cages and five guys burgers and fries, I think I'll be a happy camper. Here's to keeping my fingers crossed and to going into something wide eyed with no expectations.

Knocked Down

You always have to maintain an open mind. Sometimes what you're looking for is gonna be right there in front of your face. Maybe not the right time, but don't ever close off any possibilities, maybe you'll meet someone that you could really care for.